Strategies for Starting Over

By: Catherine Braun

Divorce can make life appear so disorganized that rebuilding it seems like a daunting task. There are strategies to reorganize and begin feeling in control again in ways that eases the recovery process.

Establish a community. Chances are even if you remain in your home, and you are the custodial parent, your relationships will change with everyone, even with yourself. You will need the support, the feedback, and the connection to the outside world that we only get through our relationships with others. A community that you nurture will be there for you during the good, the bad, and the ugly. A community will encourage you from the tendency to isolate yourself, a common reaction in times of stress. Even if you are enjoying your new autonomy, recognize it for when it looks more like withdrawal, which interferes with the ease of recovery.

Refocus on work, which always suffers some during a divorce. Reorganization means that you will naturally question every part of your life, including your work. Perhaps you’ve had your eyes on a particular job, but your ex-spouse was against it. Perhaps you are just reentering the job market, and it’s overwhelming. In either case, it is smart not to make any hasty decisions, and seek the assistance of career counselors to help the process of discovery or change related to work if that is desired. Change is inevitable; it might as well be proactive. This is a good time to be more selfish, and rediscover your true passions in case they have been lost in the process of divorce.

You will be experiencing many mixed emotions, but the most common one that undermines the decision-making process and debilitates the ease of recovery, is anger. Decisions made in anger always seem that they are about the other person, blame, revenge. But, in reality, anger is a sign that we are very unhappy with ourselves for previous decisions, or feeling foolish or even ashamed for putting up with things that made us feel betrayed. Look at anger as a sign for your distress, but don’t act on it. Rather, find situations and people that will guide you toward proactive decisions. Focus on actions that will bring you back to your own life, because that is where you need to live. Let the other person live theirs. Anger is a reaction to a situation that is upsetting. Reorganization is a response-ability to take control.