Problems Which Can Kill Marital Love
Problems Which Can Kill Marital
By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.
Marital satisfaction doesn't have to decline with time, as research shows it
usually does, according to Mira Kirshenbaum, author of the book, "Our Love
Is Too Good to Feel So Bad" (Avon, 1998). What spouses need to do is avoid
or ameliorate the ten love killers which diminish love in a marriage.
The first five love killers, which I discussed
in my last article, affect the foundation of the marriage. They are failing
to show as much love to your spouse as you did when you courted her, being too
critical, ignoring the problems which occur in all marriages, letting everyday
problems or major catastrophes overwhelm your relationship and failing to meet
your spouse's needs for love and support.
The next five love killers, which I'll discuss
in this article, deal with specific problems that can affect a marriage in negative
Sexual depression. Sex in a marriage is like health.
If you're having satisfactory sex, it's not that important in the marital scheme
of things, just as you take good health for granted. But let there be a health
crisis or serious sexual problems, and they suddenly become important.
Marriage is designed to meet all our sexual needs
and is the most pleasurable thing we can do for each other. Good sex is part
of the bond which keeps two people together. Infrequent sex can be a sign the
marriage is in trouble.
Difference sickness. Some people believe that if
they're too different, or don't have much in common, they have a poor marriage.
Research shows this is not necessarily the case.
People are not exactly alike and have different
needs, hobbies and interests but that doesn't mean they can't work out a good
marriage by respecting each other's differences. So it is not differences in
marriage which can cause problems but spouses' beliefs they can create difficulties.
Toxic buildup from the past. There are times when
spouses are going to do or say things, or not do or say things, which hurt each
other. Usually the one who has been hurt will long remember the pain after the
one who inflicted the pain has forgotten it.
But if the hurt spouse doesn't eventually forgive
and let go of the past, his hurt and anger will slowly poison the marriage.
These hurts may need to be discussed, even if they are years old, and then dropped
except, of course, if they are still occurring.
Problem people. Sometimes one spouse can have a
serious psychiatric problem which can detract from marital satisfaction - a
deep depression, a manic-depressive illness, or what is now called a bipolar
disorder, alcoholism, or crippling anxiety. Obviously, these conditions must
be treated if the marriage is to be improved.
The low expectation trap. This occurs when spouses become discouraged about
their marriage and so have less energy to put into improving it. They distance
themselves from each other to protect themselves from further hurt. Since they
expect less from the marriage, they invest less in it, so get less, which confirms
their original low expectations.
Kirshenbaum advises couples to renew the three
promises to each other they should have first made to restore hope and energy
to the marriage: to be honest with each other, to respect each other and to
be passionate with each other.
In effect, don't give up. Keep trying. In many
cases, saving a marriage is easier than going through the pain of a divorce
for you and your kids.
About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with
Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book,
Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available
directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com,
all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors
copyright and website hyperlinks.
DivorceInteractive.com tries to provide
quality information, but cannot guarantee the accuracy, completeness or adequacy
of the information, opinions or other content posted on the site. It is not
intended as a substitute for and should not be relied upon as legal, financial,
accounting, tax, medical or other professional advice. It should not be
construed as establishing a professional-client or professional-patient
relationship. The applicability of legal principles is subject to amendment by
the legislature, interpretation by the courts and different application by
different judges and may differ substantially in individual situations or
different states. Before acting on what you have read, it is important to obtain
appropriate professional advice about your particular situation and facts.
Access to and use of DivorceInteractive.com is subject to additional
Terms and Conditions. DivorceInteractive.com
is a secure site and respects your Privacy.
Advertise With Us |
Professional & Resource Directory
Divorce News | Glossary | Divorce Discussion Forums
DivorceInteractive.com All Rights Reserved.