- The Girlfriend
The girlfriend. She strikes terror in the heart of divorced
mothers everywhere. When your ex gets a girlfriend itís challenging enough to
deal with your own emotions, but when the girlfriend is suddenly a big part
of your childís life, itís hard to know how to react.
If Your Kids Are Ga-Ga About the Girlfriend
If your child likes the girlfriend, you know that at least things arenít completely
miserable during visitation. But just because your child is happy doesnít mean
youíre happy. What do you do if the girlfriend gets too involved with your kids,
allows things you wouldnít, and seems to be creating an emotional attachment
with your child? The first thing to do is just give the entire situation some
time. Girlfriends come and go and this might be over before you can say tramp.
On the other hand, if the girlfriend has some staying power,
there are some things you can do. First off, donít talk negatively about her
in front of your child. You donít want to position yourself as against the girlfriend.
If you have real, solid concerns, the person to talk to is your ex. If your
child is not being properly cared for, itís on his head. It can be hard to approach
your ex about this without getting confrontational, so you have to stick strictly
to the facts and not get caught up in your feelings.
Itís also a good idea to make some inroads with the girlfriend
herself. Try to be friendly and get to know her. It is possible to develop a
relationship with her, and often, if sheís a decent person, she can influence
the way your ex behaves, so getting to know her is a good way to change his
Remember that no one can take your place with your child,
ever. Itís ok for your kids to enjoy someone elseís company. Itís good for kids
to have healthy relationships with other adults. And if your ex ends up marrying
her, it will be a good thing that they are developing a friendly relationship.
However, donít allow the girlfriend to be in charge of visitation. That is something
that you and your ex must negotiate together. Itís not her right or place to
make arrangements with you.
Another common complaint is that the ex and the girlfriend
are too ďfriendlyĒ in front of the kids. If you get eyewitness reports of adult
behavior, there is a problem. Some hugging and kissing is fine, but if theyíre
making out in front of your kids, you need to say something. Politely but firmly
remind your ex of what behavior is appropriate in front of the kids and what
If Your Kids Hate the Girlfriend
What if your kids donít like the girlfriend? Some children feel as if their
dad spends too much time focusing on the girlfriend and ignores them. Some feel
the girlfriend is mean or doesnít like them. If the girlfriend has her own kids,
it can complicate things when your children are expected to take part in this
new mixed family. If you feel that your kidsí complaints are valid, it is ok
to have a talk with your ex and explain that while you donít have a problem
with the girlfriend, the kids are having a hard time adjusting. Donít point
fingers or suggest the girlfriend is a hussy (even if you think she is). Instead
make this about how the kids are feeling and say that you want to think of ways
together to help them be more comfortable. Keep your conversation focused on
what is best for the kids, and not about your own personal opinions.
No matter what the situation, you have no authority to tell
your ex that the girlfriend canít be there during visitation. If there is a
serious problem with the kind of supervision that is happening, you have to
talk to your lawyer and possibly return to court, but you wonít get any support
from the court unless you have some solid evidence that your kids are in danger
(physically or emotionally) when with the ex and his girlfriend.