July 2009 - Relationship Talk
If youíre divorced, separated or split from an unmarried partner, youíve
been a bit unlucky in love. Your children however, are wonderful gifts that
have come from the experience. You probably hope your child will grow up to
marry or partner with someone and have it last forever, happily ever after.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate for children of divorced parents may be as high
as 57%. Experts believe that these children donít learn about relationship
permanency and have no idea how to create a successful relationship for themselves
since they have no role model. You might have heard your child say ďIím
never getting married!Ē in reaction to the divorce or break up experience.
What You Can Do
If you want to give your child a chance at developing healthy adult relationships,
there are some things you can do now:
Talk positively about the other parent. Continuing to express negativity,
anger, and hate will only create more emotional conflict for your child.
Be honest about the past. Make it clear that you and other parent were in
love and wanted a life together, but that some problems happened. Stress that
you were happy and that your wedding (if you had one) was a wonderful day. Tell
your child how you felt about the other parent when you met him or her. Itís
important for children to see that there positives in the relationship at some
Talk to older teens about how to avoid mistakes you may have made. If you
committed at too young an age, were unrealistic in your expectations, were unfaithful,
or made other choices that contributed to the downfall of your marriage, talk
about them. Point out what you did wrong and how you might have done things
Be clear that you are very, very glad you were married or partnered because
your child was the result of that union. No matter what went wrong, the relationship
resulted in a wonderful child.
Try to make better relationship choices for yourself in the future. Moving
in and out with different partners will just serve to show your kids that no
relationship is ever permanent.
Be very clear that relationships work only if two people work on them together
and that a divorce means that both partners made some mistakes.
Be optimistic about marriage and relationships. Donít go to your nieceís
wedding and say, ďItíll never last.Ē Tell your child how wonderful
marriage can be when it works. Say that you believe in love.