December 2006 - Post-Divorce
Helping your child through the holidays after a divorce
can be challenging. Itís likely that youíre having a difficult time coping with
the season yourself, which makes it even harder to focus on what your child
is experiencing. Follow these tips to help your child survive and to keep your
Be sympathetic. Your child is going to
be sad and miss the other parent when holidays are spent with you, no matter
how often he sees the other parent. It can be easy to take this as a slap in
the face, or a judgment that youíre not enough. Instead of getting upset, think
about how your child feels and offer comfort and understanding. It will take
time for your child to adjust.
Donít force family gatherings. Many separated
or divorced parents find that it helps their kids if they can share part of
the holidays together as one big family. However, just because this works for
other families, doesnít mean it has to work for yours. If youíre not comfortable,
donít do it. Your child will be happier if she is not subjected to arguments,
snide remarks or other hurtful behavior.
Remember that gifts donít make up for the divorce.
Getting your child the latest and greatest might make you feel like a good parent,
but it canít make up for the divorce. Showering your child in gifts, or worse
Ė competing with the other parent to give the best gift, just creates an artificial
and uncomfortable situation. Give gifts that fit your budget and your comfort
level and know that your child canít love you more than he already does. There
are plenty of other ways to show your love to your child, so focus on these
rather than material ways.
Make plans for time alone. Itís likely
that your child will spend part of the holiday with the other parent. Instead
of feeling depressed and sad, use this time to do something wonderful for yourself,
or to make plans for the next time your child is with you. Be sure you donít
make your child feel guilty for leaving you to be with the other parent.
Buy yourself a gift. Particularly if your
child is young, this year you need to plan to buy yourself a gift. In the past,
you may have relied upon your spouse to put some presents under the tree for
you. This year, itís up to you. Wrap them if you feel like it and feel free
to tell your child they came from Santa. The end of your relationship does not
mean you donít deserve gifts.
Help your child buy a gift. Take your child
shopping for, or help him or her make a gift for the other parent. This gift
is not from you, but is from your child. Think of how pleased it will make your
child to be able to offer a present to the other parent. Donít expect this to
be reciprocated and you wonít be disappointed.
Focus on making the most of what you have.
It is easy to spend the holidays thinking about how the divorce has changed
your life and your childís life. Instead, focus on enjoying and celebrating
what you and your child do have.