Marriage As Therapy
Marriage As Therapy
By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.
A good marriage can be the best psychotherapy for
us, according to Harville Hendrix, author of two popular, self-help books on
marriage, Getting the Love you Want and Keeping the Love You Find.
Unfortunately, a bad marriage can wound us even
I recently attended an all day workshop presented
by Hendrix at a national conference on marital and sexual therapy. He has developed
a new type of marital counseling which he calls imago relationship therapy that
appears to be quite emotionally powerful and effective.
Dr. Hendrix subscribes to the theory that the emotional
wounds of childhood are acted out, usually unconsciously, in our adult lives
and our marriages. Imago is a new term he has coined which simply means the
images in our minds formed in childhood through which we view the world. If
we were abused as children, we will have an imago of the world as a dangerous
To simplify his theory, the imago that Hendrix
explores in marital therapy consists of two parts. The first is the imago of
our parents with both their positive and negative traits, but usually more of
the negative. When we fall in love, we will be attracted to someone who has
some of those same negative characteristics.
A man raised by parents who were distant and unloving
will marry a women who is similarly distant. But what a dumb thing for him to
do! If he had been rational about his decision whom to marry, he would have
chosen someone who is warm and loving, unlike his parents.
But no, when he falls in love with what Hendrix
calls his imago match, he finds someone who is bound to frustrate him as his
parents had done, someone who is afraid to become too intimate probably because
of the way she was hurt in childhood. If she had been rational when she fell
in love, she would have chosen someone more independent to fit with her need
There's a mismatch here. He craves love; she hesitates
to give it. It seems as if nature has made a terrible mistake by having these
two fall in love.
But what seems like nature's mistake, according
to Hendrix, is nature's brilliant way to promote healing in both spouses. Both
can now grow as a result of their mismatch, he by becoming more self-loving
and she by learning to love more deeply despite her fears. If each had rationally
chosen whom to marry, neither would have the opportunity to grow and heal their
The second part of our imago consists of those
traits in ourselves we repress as unacceptable. When we fall in love, we unconsciously
choose someone who carries or displays those very characteristics. Then we criticize
our spouse for having those traits because what we don't like in another, we
fear in ourselves.
A women who is afraid of her own rage, for example,
will marry a man who easily expresses his anger. A man who denies his own dependency
needs will marry a woman who is dependent. Each spouse carries the unconscious,
unacceptable parts of the other.
Again in this marriage, nature has provided an
opportunity for healing through the integration of unacceptable parts of the
self. The wife with the angry husband can reclaim her own anger, while the husband
with the dependent wife can accept his own normal dependency needs which have
been frightening to him.
With a divorce rate at sixty percent for all marriages
however, the sad reality today is that most marriages create more woundedness
than healing. Hendrix offers the hope that marriage can be the most healing
activity we do if we are willing to work at it.
About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux, a psychologist with
Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles in a book,
Loving Isn't Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere or available
directly from Selfhelpbooks.com. Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com,
all rights reserved. This article may be reprinted but must include authors
copyright and website hyperlinks.
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