WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2004

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

DEAR SUSAN: I'm single after a 14-year marriage. How do I tell a woman I'm not interested in romantically that I see her only as a friend? I don't know the subtle ways to get that across. I've been saying that I'm not ready, but that excuse is wearing thin.

Typical male-female protocol has a man doing the asking, so if I'm not interested, I just don't pursue it. I've been told that I've offended women by not telling them my feelings, but how am I supposed to do that if they never ask? I can tell I have a lot to learn. -- Ross D., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR ROSS: You're new on the single scene. Things have changed a bit (!) since your pre-marriage days, so, naturally, you've got a lot to learn. (We've all been at the starting gate, believe me.) But you do ask good questions, so you won't be a novice for long. Sit down, relax your shoulders and listen up.

The first lesson is that dating is a game of show and tell -- hurt and be hurt. There is of course a way to soften the come-down, using kindness and compassion. (It helps to realize the next time it could be you on the receiving end.) But if you're not interested, don't phone. If you're being asked, simply turn down the request gently but firmly.

One person always gets hurt in the dating scene, but the pain is usually brief and minimal. Except, of course, when someone has been given false hope -- which is where your situation comes in. The woman who feels more than you do must be released from her hopes of romance. Saying you're "not ready" can give her some hope, and so you must begin a dialogue that will probably end in tears (on her side) and relief on yours. Your tutorial in single relationships should cause as little pain as possible.

As for "offending" women by not sharing your feelings, well, I can't agree. You have no obligation to trumpet your life plan unless and until a relationship deepens and gets serious. Besides, most women know -- by instinct and intuition -- when someone's romantically interested. The dating game doesn't come with many rules except the ones you yourself live by. And that involves character and ethics. Dating is not for children.

DISABLED RESOURCES: Being unpartnered is a significant challenge in itself. But physical challenges add their own difficulties to facing life on your own. Which is why I offer Resources for the Disabled, a list of groups, books and services specifically for the physically challenged. If the listing is appropriate for you or someone you know, write in and send along a stamped, self-addressed envelope. There is no cost.

FANTASY ISLAND: One of the most amazing findings of my national survey about single sexuality is that newly singled respondents reported a change in their sexual fantasies. Being uncoupled seems to have repercussions even in the secret gardens of erotic fantasy, reflected in freer and richer scenarios. Has that been your experience?

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, APRIL 9, 2004

TAKE A LEAP

DEAR SUSAN: I just broke up with a girl I've dated for the last year. The problem was my two children, who are very young and live with their mother. I get to see them every two weeks, but my (ex)girlfriend didn't want me to visit them or spend any money on them.

Was I wrong to tell this woman that I loved so much to go take a leap? -- Gerald G., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR GERALD: I'd have suggested she take a leap -- far, far away from your vicinity -- much sooner. After all, time is our most precious commodity (I can imagine how slowly those two weeks pass between visits to your children), and to throw it away for 12 months in such creepy company is more than a bit unwise. The signals must have been there much earlier, but somehow you didn't -- or didn't want to -- see them.

Don't have one fleeting moment of doubt or regret about ending this nonstarter of a relationship. (But do think about the reasons you loved this unlovable.) And consider taking some time off from the ups and downs of dating. You've had a socko of a life lesson, and it's taught you a lot. You're better off investing time and money in the children who are so irreplaceable in your life than on the next woman to waltz into it. For more of a commonality, log on to http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org for a social life with women who have similar life issues. Good thing this is a leap year.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

 The last scene of a once-wondrous romance isn't pretty. The pain is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. (Yes, I've been dumped. By a man who helped jumpstart my career -- and did me dirty in the realm of love. Looking back, I can realize today the part he played in reopening my heart after I lost my young husband. But that's only after years of tremendous hurt.) And no matter how gently the news is broken, you become a victim of divorce. Premarital divorce, that is, not needing legal skills and, technically speaking, not divorce as we know it. But so what? The pain is there. And it isn't likely to leave the premises anytime soon.

If you're hurting right now, you won't believe me, but there is a way out of the emotional meltdown we females are prone to fall into . . . and it's certainly not to stop risking your heart! The prescription is to maintain your own spheres of interests, friends and activities. Holding tightly on to that part of the self is the only sure way I know of to make sure your whole universe won't be swallowed by a giant black hole if love ends.

That balance is crucial to the decision not to wrap your whole life around him and to fight the tendency (is it in the female DNA?) to surrender your very soul in the heat of togetherness. Behind that self-sabotage is the belief that total surrender of one's selfhood is the real thing, that anything less is a lesser degree of loving.

Wrong. Wrong. A thousand times wrong. There is a better way, one that will leave you with so much more after the last farewell has been said. And it's in truth the only way to love wholly -- and love yourself as much. And this might take a few readings, but the wisdom of holding on to your own life when you enter his is actually an act of supreme generosity. Having your own personal cosmos relieves the pressure he feels to be all things to you. (Never thought of it that way, eh?) Not only that, but it definitely makes you more interesting to him, more alluring (dare I say mysterious?) and -- gasp -- sexier.

If you can't up and go places with him when he whistles, well, there's no way he won't respect and desire you more. Not to mention appreciating your company when you ARE by his side. The biggest plus of all to this kind of partnering, of course, is that it equips you to handle the awfulness of the moment when someone you love makes a choice you don't like.

But all that is for the future. In real time, today and in the very recent past, heartache can be handled in these ways:

Think back over the days immediately following the split to find a moment of calm, peace, even relief. However fleeting, that moment, when nurtured, can become the linchpin of a gradual but steady recovery.

As you wake each morning and greet the possibilities a new day can bring, repeat the words (to yourself or aloud) "It's over, and I'm glad." Say them over and over until your body actually resonates with them. Keep the flow of breath steady and deep. (Fight the urge to take shallow, irregular breaths.)

Remind yourself that love is not the only stimulant. Too many of us make love the only challenge they accept. Once you take steps toward finding new friends and new interests, love will lose its No. 1 ranking in your life among emotional highs.

When you feel you must cry, weep with a vengeance. The body has its own wisdom, and when it feels enough is enough, it will stop itself. But the more you allow yourself to give sadness its full voice and duration, the sooner crying jags will lose their intensity and, gradually, end. (Cry into your pillow or drive to a lonely place, close the windows -- and lock the doors -- and scream the primal scream. I can tell you, it definitely helps.)

Give yourself a few months, and there may come a time you want to re-examine your "divorce" by asking yourself:

What can I feed myself (not food!) to fill the emptiness?

Now that I'm in charge of all my time, how do I really want to spend it? Is there something I put on hold for the sake of this relationship? Is this a good time to do it?

What was my role in the ending? How much was I responsible for?

Will I choose a different kind of man next time? Will I be a different kind of partner? Will I invest myself more wisely in the relationship?

Looking back over the experience, what things would I change? Am I making efforts to better my chances for finding happiness the next time?

How can I stay optimistic and avoid bitterness as I start over?

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2004

SINGLE LAND

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 42, recently divorced after a 15-year marriage and a three-year separation. The ending of that marriage and the agonizing divorce were emotionally (and financially) devastating. I'm now a year and a half into a relationship with someone new, and, generally, things are going great. The problem is, every little disagreement with her gives me the sudden urge to turn and run.

Does this mean this woman isn't the right one? Will this feeling go away? I don't want to end this relationship for the wrong reason, but I'm really scared. -- Nick F., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR NICK: Those answers are all inside, waiting, and you're wise not to flee a promising relationship before you can bring them to the surface. Yes, I'm suggesting some conversations with a counselor to make sense of the internal tug of war that's causing you such grief and conflict. Hearing yourself in that room of truth is an experience like none other, and your questions tell me you're ripe for it. Sorting out the past with a skilled and caring guide is such a good way to make room for a happy future. It may be the reset button you've been looking for.

DIFFERENT WAYS TO TIE THE KNOT: As alternatives to marriage take root and multiply in America, France already has its own version: pacte civile de solidarite, a civil solidarity pact. Several other European countries have theirs. Curious?

-- Portugal has a Civil Solidarity Pact for same- and opposite-sex couples.

-- Denmark has a Registered Partnership for same- and opposite-sex couples.

-- Germany has a Registered Partnership for same-sex couples only.

-- Netherlands has a Registered Partnership for same- and opposite-sex couples, and same-sex marriage.

Scandinavian countries, where being unmarried is increasingly the norm, have long allowed such couples to register as domestic partners -- mostly as a way to protect the children they have together.

Unmarried couples in Norway who live together with children make up the fastest-growing household census category, having increased to 100,000 people, from 60,000 20 years ago. These arrangements bring legal rights (not all of them in every country), including the right to inherit property, social security payments, tax benefits, adoption and next-of-kin notification by hospitals.

At the same time, several other European countries have taken the opposite stand, recognizing gay relationships but refusing to grant special rights to unmarried heterosexuals on the grounds that they have the marriage option.

These European laws share a pragmatic approach to their populations' changing attitudes about the role -- and even the relevance -- of marriage in contemporary life.

My own take on the issue is that marriage remains a special and sacred pledge. Marriage is an institution that deserves much respect. But there should not be discrimination against singles, unmarried couples and the children of those couples.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2004

SEX AND THE SINGLE MOM

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a single mother and sexually involved. My daughter, who is 9, is wonderful about my overnight guests and my closed bedroom door. When she asks questions about all of this, how honest should I be with her? -- Titiana V., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR TITIANA: If you define honesty as the facts of life (yours), mum's the word. She's only been on this earth 9 years, how "wonderful" can she feel burdened with an X-rated sex education . . . given by her mother, of all people?

Don't you realize you're her live-in example of what it means to be a woman and a parent? Don't you wonder what's really going on in that discreet head of hers? It may be small, but you can bet it's chock-full of questions she'd love to ask. Yet your priorities seem to put sexual involvement ahead of a heart-to-heart with her, a loving conversation in the sanctity of the home you share, designed to soothe and comfort -- and lay to rest the qualms she must be feeling in this Noel Coward scenario.

Since when can a single mom entertain overnight guests with her child on the premises? It's the biggest No-No in the world of single parents . . . ask around if you need confirmation. You can't really believe a closed bedroom door shuts out all the noises of sexual activity! (If you do, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn that's looking for a buyer like you.) It most certainly doesn't shut out your daughter's feeling of being excluded from activity her mom considers important. While you're "entertaining," she's imagining all sorts of things. She knows what a bedroom is for, and she has more than a vague picture of man-woman gymnastics.

That picture will stay with her and grow into misunderstandings, distortions you're allowing to fester. She's your investment in the future, the one person who looks to you as all-knowing. As for gentlemen friends, well, they don't fit the description. They're certainly not worth the time away from mothering, time you could spend having fun with your daughter. You may not realize it in the routine of day-to-day parenting, but take it from me, childhood goes by in the wink of an eye, and one day all you'll have will be happy memories or deep regrets. It's your choice.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2004

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 31, legally separated and a (non-custodial) father. The thing is, my friends are telling me to start dating even though I'm not quite divorced yet. And I certainly would like to, but I'm not sure I should, considering my marital status. (My divorce is a certainty, as my former spouse is now living with someone else, but state law requires a waiting period.)
Are women interested in dating someone in my situation, and is it fair to them? -- Conrad B., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CONRAD: You're legally separated (from a spouse who's already moved on) and in the process of making it final, so your qualms are extra baggage that might make your dating debut more awkward than it needs to be. (They do show you as a man of character, though, a significant plus in the minds of many women!)

By all means, resume your dating life -- but don't expect to have the same feelings/reactions you did before you became a husband and a father! You're a different person, someone you need to know well before you even consider making any romantic commitment. So consider this a go-slow signal, a "caution" sign from someone who's seen enough to know the wisest rate of re-entry into singleness.

Use the next few months to spend gobs of time with your children and show them that they haven't lost their father . . . that's top priority, but not the total picture. Make your first few dates double dates, possibly with women who are friends of your friends, to make conversation less awkward and to reacquaint you with the dating game. And for your own mental health, avoid the bar scene! The focus there is on the best opening line, not necessarily sincerity. (Definitely not a good place to start your single socializing!)

My advice is to give parenting a big chunk of your time, and to make dating part -- but not all -- of what's left. There's a lot of living open to you now, opportunities that will be quite different than when you were married. Your marital situation won't keep you from them if you maintain your honesty.

OPEN LETTER TO THE PROFESSIONAL WOMAN BESIEGED BY DATING SERVICES: As you asked, I am passing along the warning that some dating services claim to have been "referred" by a friend. You handle them well, clever woman, by asking for the name of that friend before continuing the conversation, and when they're silent because they have no name to mention, you're cleverer still -- saying you can't continue the conversation unless they have the name -- and telling them to call back when they have the name. Goes without saying that there's never a second call from them. So much for "referrals."

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2004

MR. MOM

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a 30-year-old single father with custody of two small boys, and I'm finding that women don't call back when they find out I'm "Mr. Mom." Is there a way I can meet and date someone without her running for cover when I talk about my boys? -- Claude C., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR CLAUDE: Your hunt for "Mrs. Mom" can be a random search in domestic circles, in the supermarket aisles and the office of your sons' pediatrician, but the most efficient strategy could be membership in Parents Without Partners (http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org), the tried and true organization formed before the phrase "single parent" found its way into popular jargon.

You need a woman with a similar routine, someone who knows what it is to miss a concert or be late for an evening out because of two runny noses at home. And she most likely will be at PWP meetings and their weekend fun, where parents mingle with their peers while their children are with theirs. (Yes, often the group holds simultaneous events for both generations.)

That's my No. 1 suggestion, but not the only one. Your own parental routine can't help but bring you smack up against mothers: they're to be found at their children's schools, from kindergarten on up, on the benches at the playground, walking with their children in the park. Some will be married, for sure, but single mothers are not exactly a rare breed. In fact, the more you're out and about with your sons, doing the things Mr. Moms do, the more likely Mrs. Mom will find you!

She's not as shy as her older sister was, and she's plenty motivated, because she knows the best man for her is a single father. She needs someone who'll understand when motherhood must come first -- and the glamorous outing (when you two could be carefree for a few hours) you had planned must go by the boards because her maternal duties come first.

The more you do with your son, the better your chances of coming across a lovely someone who's also a full-time caregiver, hair brusher, food preparer and social director. Like you. When you two do connect, it'll be a slam-dunk. Common interests? Try chillin'.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2004

DEAR SUSAN: I am a single woman of 64 who left an unhappy marriage four years ago and started a new life. I had to give up my house, care, furniture, etc., since my ex-husband and I lived abroad, and I came to live with my elderly mother, now 95.

I wonder if I can ever meet someone and have a normal love life again, with an aged parent taking up all the time not being used on my job as kindergarten teacher. The way it is, I have absolutely no time for myself; and even if I did, Mom would greatly disapprove of my going out on dates if I should meet someone. (She's been a widow 27 years and likes it that way.)

It seems so sad to put that part of my life on hold for the next few years . . . yet I owe Mom a lot for taking me in when I had nowhere to go. I love my work and am in close contact with my children and grandchildren, but I have to work to live, since I got nothing from my miserly ex. Partly due to my good health and my mom's longevity, I sometimes think when she's gone and I have my own apartment or small house, I'll begin looking for a nice gentleman to share some time.  Is this just a silly fantasy? -- Juliet H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JULIET: Your plans are neither silly nor fantasy . . . but they are way too modest. You're a vital woman, in the prime of life (a recent magazine called 60 "the new 40," and soon even that may be understating it) and fully deserving of a second chance at life your way. But you must take it yourself.

Your mother has had her ride; she's made her choices. It's only her selfishness -- and your gratitude/guilt -- keeping you from independence. Yes, she took you in at a crucial time, which you appreciate. But terminal gratitude is not appropriate. Thanks much, Mom, but I'm itching for more of a life (your daydreams are proof) and I'm ready for more. This dialogue won't be easy, but it must happen. (Rehearse a bit with your children, if you need moral support.) After all, you left a bad marriage to make a new life. And what you have now isn't exactly what you had in mind. It's time to make some changes. Gratitude is fine, but not at the expense of a life. Yours.

LET'S CONTINUE: Curious to dig deeper into your thoughts and discover your REAL feelings about being unmarried? You've probably been musing about the words you used to complete the exercise from last week's column, so here are some more to tangle with. (Yes, bounce them around with friends and those people who care, really care, about you and what happens in your life. The more minds in on this project the better.)

Let's begin . . . answer True or False at the end of these statements. And be prepared to surprise yourself.

Everyone desirable is already married.
Going places alone is the last resort. It makes me look (and feel) like a loser.
Being single is not normal.
Being married is better than being single.
Being single is an interim state that should be ended as quickly as possible.
True happiness is to be found only in marriage.
Women and men cannot be friends; they're too dissimilar.
Love must begin with fireworks; otherwise, it cannot grow.
Friendship between the sexes is boring and the opposite of romantic love.
Women who are assertive and strong turn men off.
Men only want young, unwrinkled, carefree companions.

That's enough food for thought at one sitting, no?
Send in any and all comments, reactions, whatever. By now you know how treasured they are.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2004 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2003

PACKAGE DEAL

DEAR SUSAN: Do you think a single mother of two should spend time with a man who has no interest whatsoever in her children? This man says he's very much in love with me but isn't interested in meeting my children now -- and isn't at all sure he'll ever want to meet them! He and I have become very close, but I worry that his plans for the future don't include the three of us. -- Kitty K., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR KITTY: And right you are to worry; this man's honesty is fair warning that trouble (of a major sort) lies ahead. He's waiting for your next move, but your letter tells me you've already made it. So consider this as one more (strong) vote to move on and away from Trouble Man.

Your children are a sacred trust, totally vulnerable and dependent on your choices; a man who doesn't care a fig about them just can't be part of the happy family you envision for their future. That he's being totally upfront with you is a good thing for all four people in the scenario . . . and a sign that in his heart of hearts he'll respect you more if you decide to end things now. And take it from me, the ending must be clear and definite; you've got enough on your plate without the pangs of a doomed affair. (I know.)

Besides, your downbeat moods would cast gloom over your household . . . and all three of you deserve better than that. No, take this man at his word and get out now. And keep the faith that around the corner is the man who sees you and your family as a package, a precious gift for him alone.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

DEAR SUSAN: I read the letter from the man who was feeling awkward about having sex with a woman because her children were home. I was in the same kind of situation the other night. I felt the same as he did. I was dating an older woman last year, and she invited me to her apartment on a Sunday night to watch some movies.

We were on her couch in the living room. (Her daughter was in the bedroom, watching television.) I really think she wanted to have sex, and I had no problem with that, but how I am supposed to have sex with her in the middle of the living room when her 12-year-old is in the other room? And when the child would walk into the kitchen during commercials, where she could see us?

To make a long story short, shouldn't the mother have made other plans for her daughter when she invited me over? -- Marke H., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR MARKE: It's not even a question. Of course she shirked her maternal responsibility. And in a sad reversal of roles, it took your sense of rightness to save the situation from being a fiasco. Dating a single parent takes maturity and good judgment. Not every man is up for it. And it's a good thing, saving the heartbreak of raised -- and dashed -- expectations . . . to see your children as litmus test for maturity and sincerity.

Thanks, Marke, for the good sense and the reminder to all of us.

TWO-HANDED LOVE: Zen teachings include a lesson on the sound of one hand clapping. For Buddhists, that leads to deep and provocative wisdom; instructive as a life lesson, but not exactly where we're going here. In the less lofty world, where give and take is the name of the game, both hands must be involved to create the sound of true love.

One person cannot and should not be the whole enchilada. There must be mutual effort to make togetherness work. And so, between dedicated lovers, the mantra is reciprocity. Their dynamic is a sea of helpfulness flowing back and forth between them. At times one will give more, bend more, do more. But at other times, the other partner will do more of the giving. And frankly, it doesn't matter who does what -- when.
Meditate on that.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2003

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT

DEAR SUSAN: I've dated several women in the last few years who are single mothers with young children at home. On more than one occasion, things have gotten to a sexual stage and I've been invited to stay overnight.  I don't feel right about this, because I think it has a bad effect on the children. (Their ages were 13 and under.) The usual answer is that they are too young to know what's happening. What do you think are the effects? -- Ramon D., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR RAMON: Anyone who's ever been a single parent knows the depth of the conflict between adult needs and parental protectiveness. (I remember it well.) But no one who's being honest with themselves can say that the on-premises child is too young to be affected by sexual activity in their home.

Small children can sense things they may be too young to articulate -- but not too young to react to. (And those effects may not show up for years.) Their impressions are too fragile and valuable to risk any damage, certainly not damage that's preventable. Single parenting is a huge opportunity to shape young minds; they are a sacred trust. Young people may have small heads, but their thoughts are enormously important. They look to their live-in parent for an example of adulthood, a model of their own future. No one can dare risk failing those small people whose vulnerability is precious.

You are so right to turn down sleepover invitations from single moms. The need for male affection can propel them into misjudgments about the effects of their behavior, but a man like you can see the big picture and point out the negatives. A child's mind is a sponge, soaking up impressions from sounds they don't understand and producing destructive conclusions that can last a lifetime. Hearing a man's voice from the bed his father used to inhabit causes conflict and confusion. Any parent knows that sexual fulfillment can be arranged to take place off the premises, away from the children. For all of them, I thank you for your good judgment.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2003

STAGES OF LOVE

DEAR SUSAN: You've told us the different stages of mourning a relationship, but are there also stages to beginning one? What do most people go through when they start a new friendship with love potential?  What do you feel is necessary to know about someone before you're ready to commit? Is there a time frame to it, or can all of this be accomplished in a short time? -- Justine G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JUSTINE: Life and love come without a time frame, and the rational mind is not necessarily in control at all times. Instinct and intuition are also part of the equation . . . sometimes a deciding one. As for stages, well, early days are a time of exploration and testing for compatibility.

In my life, second dates were make-or-break events; if they passed muster, chances were pretty good for a longer run. The next stage is a settling in, a period of sharing -- friends, interests, dreams. Togetherness starts to feel comforting, secure and (for the lucky ones) right. Suddenly, the person alongside seems to fit into your life, and it hasn't taken too much cutting and pasting. That's when the next stage begins and the possibility of real partnership comes into sharper focus. You are discovering common values, tastes, priorities . . . mutuality that feels good and (yes, again) right. That feeling evolves between partners who are friends, lovers, mentors and kindred souls.

You and I know that combination doesn't present itself often. When it does, it's a keeper at all costs. Even if he/she isn't what you had in mind visually, or financially, or genetically . . . it's too rare an event to let go. This is the final stage of new love, and the irony is that it's just the beginning of the good things you've been dreaming of. Making them real together is the first and last stage, an adventure possible for a very few. Oh, how I wish it for you.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm a single mother of two children, ages 2 and 3. I'm a full-time student with a part-time job, and at times I feel they're being shortchanged of my time and patience. How can I be sure I'm giving my little ones enough time and understanding? -- Audrey W., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR AUDREY: Let your conscience be your guide. Its voice is a compass you can always rely on for the true reading because it's always on your side. Yes, you can use reason, the head stuff that can be manipulated to agree with your own conclusion, but -- BUT even in the midst of the dialogue its wrongness comes through. That's what's happening now, as you try to fulfill all the obligations in your life.

As a single parent, yours is a kaleidoscope of roles: head of house, nurturer, student, worker. Your challenge is to fulfill them all as best you can. But some are more important than others -- they need ranking, levels of priority. Hands down, mothering is the No. 1 (and 2 and 3) role. Not for all time, and not in the same ways. Your small children will mature and have different needs then, but these tender years need your time and lovingness in a critical way. (Read that again, for emphasis.)

You didn't say whether their father is in the picture, but even if he is (which is my hope), you are the main and central caregiver. Time spent and love given are intermingled into one role, and that is yours. The clearest way you can show your children their mom's dedication is to spend time with them. What the three of you do during that time is almost meaningless compared to the fact that you are together, a family and a strong one. Those little heads hold much wisdom; they know where they stand in your life. Give them more time. (Talk it over with your employer and your school adviser, explaining the demands on your time and the needs of your very young children.)

And don't be too shy to talk things over with your family and friends, anyone who really gives a damn about your welfare. Figure out your finances and your time allotment (after the children's bedtime) and get clear about expanding your mom-time realistically. Stay true to your goals by all means, but rearrange the schedule to make it more child-friendly. It will be time well spent.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: There is an organization you should know about: the Center for Science in the Public Interest. Single or partnered, you need the food facts it offers for a lifetime. In fact, once you get on its mailing list, you'll become addicted to the honesty and straight talk it serves every time.

I've been a fan for years, eager to read the latest information on fast food, ice cream (this is its summer issue, after all!) and everything else on the menu. Phone or write and ask about the Nutrition Action Healthletter, Center for Science in the Public Interest, 1875 Connecticut Avenue, N.W., Suite 300, Washington, D.C. 20009-5728 (www.cspinet.org), e-mail: circ@cspinet.org, Tel: 1-202-332-9110, Fax: 1-202-265-4954 (The plethora of numbers is because I really want you to benefit from their good work.)

The CSPI accepts no advertising, and therefore is free to state the facts as they see them.  The July/August 2003 issue of the newsletter has an editorial about the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) and its failure to enforce the law.  You know I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, JULY 18, 2003

DAY-TO-DAYNESS

DEAR SUSAN: Thanks for your comments on men and divorce. I think men may just suffer (more like mourn) more quietly than the female. Several friends of mine have experienced the loss and pain you describe -- and you've only scratched the surface. To witness their unhappiness is to make one think long and hard about marriage, period. And that's very, very sad. -- Jeremy D., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JEREMY: . . . and it can also be hopeful. Seeing friends' unhappiness at close range can be (with a shift from negative to positive thinking) a lesson and case history of what turns a marriage sour. (Keep in mind you only need one person, the right kind, to turn your life around and give it the deep meaning that can come only with the real thing.) Right up there is the No. 1 love-killer: role-playing. Something happens to marriage partners who are not self-aware, a tendency to mimic their parents' patterns, right down to the smallest detail, in and out of the bedroom. Lovers need to take a step back from their parents, to break away and become their own person. Only then can they choose a person right for them and (sigh) relate to them as themselves, not as clones of the previous generation. (Easier said than done, I know. It takes that inward journey I'm always talking about, definitely the road less taken.)

Until you've freed yourself to be yourself, you're doomed to repeat the mistakes you saw in your home. (Sobering thought, eh?) The runner-up foe of a healthy marriage is the day-to-dayness of living with someone. At the start it's the main attraction for marrying, but we all (should) know that things that attract can in time detract. (Food for thought?) And certainly the continuing presence of a love partner (no matter how wonderful it seems) can be downright stultifying. (There -- I've said it.)

But it can be kept fresh by two people determined to do so, transformed by a mindset that replaces stale relating patterns with kind ones, respectful ones, in short, mutual friendship. It can be done. That core element of any marriage, its day-to-dayness, can be turned onto its flip side and made into a daily opportunity to treat one's lover/friend/partner as co-creator of a relationship constantly renewing itself.

End of sermon.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2003

LUCKY STARS

DEAR SUSAN: My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost three years. She wants to get married, but I want to keep things as they are. She gave me an ultimatum to propose or she moves out; I refused to succumb to the pressure. I'm 40, divorced, with a grown son. She's 33, never been married and wants children. Which I do not. I like her but just don't want to marry her now. What next? -- Craig C., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR CRAIG: You know your next move as well as I do. It's out the door, quickly and decisively, saying your goodbyes with fond affection but resolute firmness. Period. If you loved her, her either-or announcement would help you choose the path to the altar. In this situation, she's only piling on pressure to split. Love is not pressure, believe me. And as nice as she is, what you feel for her is not love. It's more like deep fondness, not exactly fuel for lifetime love.

Have a private, quiet talk with your (former) housemate and go on your way. As gently and as quickly as possible. Her ultimatum saved a lot of time and heartbreak. Thank your lucky stars.

DEAR SUSAN: As a bachelor now in my 50s, I don't identify strongly with being "single," but want to comment on a recurring theme in your column . . . individual responsibility. By now I have chewed on the matter for a couple of decades and from many positions in life. I've seen and felt it serve as a wonderful tool of empowerment, but also as a wall to separate people and even as a method for criticism and self-deprecation.

I realize that you write for a range of people. Despite social inactivity, one thing that keeps me reading your column is your willingness to raise questions and challenge traditional roles and attitudes. Now I'm raising a few such issues. I had ups and downs, but you learn and grow and always come out ahead, right? Well, maybe. Now I know that "ahead" may not arrive for a long time, and optimism can be as painful when you're down as sunlight to a snail.

Whatever our expectations, there are those of us for whom it is physically difficult to get out and do things. But I value your emphasis on socializing-by-avocation and now realize that pretty much every relationship or significant liaison I've ever had has arisen via the course of pursuing natural interests. Nowadays my social rhythm is returning, tempered by experience. (I would relate the story of someone-I-just-met, but this has already gone on long enough, I think.)

I wanted to pass on some considerations for what they may be worth, even if they don't ride in the mainstream of your readers' thoughts and concerns. -- Simon M., Arlington Heights, Ill.

DEAR SIMON: Honesty like yours is almost blinding in its clarity. I'm deeply grateful for your readership. I also know how it feels to revolve in neutral gear and feel left out of the "mainstream" -- whatever that is. But it's those down periods that are most valuable, because of the insights they bring that are not soon forgotten. Yes, I realize my upbeat approach is not always well-timed for some readers, but my hope is that it registers and is stored at some level for later use.

Positive thinking is not genetic or a matter of good luck, for me it's been earned, worked for and chosen as a better way to make this journey. There are times of discouragement on the path I chose, for sure. I've no immunity to moments of mild despair. But somehow my faith bubbles up at those moments and reminds me that the universe is kind and wants good things for all of us. My words are in that spirit, meant to reach people when they need that extra boost of confidence, the strength to ride out the tough times and wisdom to outwit them.

On the practical level, I urge you to stay with your natural interests as a low-pressure bridge to good people who share them. You'll be an asset to any interest you pursue.

DO YOU AGREE?: It's been said that love is merely temporary insanity, that the illusion of a soul mate is just that: illusion. And because of the wobbly foundation, it cannot last. And in fact, some believe, it is not meant to last. Comments?

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

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DEAR SUSAN: I'm 43 and divorced two years. For the past few months, my ex-wife has gotten very friendly and nice to me. (Our two children live with her.)  Last night I called her and told her I'd noticed the change and asked if she wanted to talk about reconciliation. She said she'd get back to me, that she needed to think about things. But five minutes after I hung up, I started having second thoughts.

Did I make a big mistake asking her about reconciling? If so, how do I get out of this mess? -- Lance W., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR LANCE: Smart of you to respect your second thoughts; they're rooting for your happiness. The last thing you want is to make a second mistake with the same woman. Still, there were changes in her that you recognized -- and liked -- so there may be hope for the relationship. By all means, see the mother of your children, mutually agreeing that neither will tell the children. (They would fantasize about a reunion that is still very much in question, so for their own sake keep them in the dark about the meetings.)

But first, why didn't she jump for joy when you mentioned reconciliation? And why did you have regrets so quickly? Think back to the reasons for the divorce; do they still exist? Because so many lives are hanging in the balance, consider talking this over with a counselor -- either solo or with your ex-wife. Those second thoughts worry me. Hear them out, and take your time making any sort of decision.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2003 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

FRIDAY, JULY 4, 2003

LONELINESS STRATEGIES

Being on your own can at times feel like aloneness, which swiftly slides into a lonely funk. Who among us hasn't felt the icy coldness of being abandoned, left totally alone? It's different from missing a beloved; that feeling at least has a love object to focus on. This is different. Daily life without an on-premises partner can be much too quiet and unchallenged. After a while, it can feel as if no one cares about you or your decisions. A feeling of alienation, being separate and apart, out of the so-called mainstream, rushes in to fill the vacuum. Left unexplored, it settles in and becomes a downbeat roommate that can color your entire view of the world around you.

One of the ironies of loneliness is that much of it has more to do with the way you feel about yourself than with external factors. Think about that. And while you're in the mood for soul-searching, here are some ways to outwit the demon of single life:

Make a list (you know how I love them!) of the things that bring you satisfaction/pleasure . . . that you haven't been doing lately. Seeing them in print should inspire you to follow up on at least one of them. The goal here is to start adding to your life in ways that get you involved with people and in general make life fuller and richer. Call it life expansion, reaching out, whatever fits. Sometimes all it takes to banish the blues is a single phone call or visit.

Look at the other side of being alone: the freedom to use time your way, unfettered by another's tastes.

Make plans for times when you're most vulnerable. Do you feel alone at certain times or certain days? Sunday evenings can be a bad time for singles -- there's something about facing a blank week. Once you recognize these low times, arrange to alternate phone calls (they're really visits) with a friend. And use Sundays to schedule fun into the coming week: a dinner out, a hen party or an evening class. The way I see it, you must agree to be lonely; use your good mind to refuse its negativism. But don't feel different or odd when it occasionally pays a call; a certain amount of loneliness is inevitable in anyone's life -- it seems to be part of the human condition. Married life included!

Use alone time to become compatible with yourself. When you know and like the person you are, you'll be able to live with yourself much more comfortably . . . and with the partner in your future. (Ahem.)

If you think you'd be less lonely in a different house, apartment or town, consider a move. (Caveat: Don't expect problems to go away with a change of scenery; we bring ourselves with us, wherever we go. You know best whether they stem from within or not. Before taking any action, talk things over with someone close, a friend or relative. Or with a professional, in the room of truth.) But if you do come to the conclusion that your living situation is a significant problem, slowly and methodically sort through your options. You're on the cusp of a crossroads decision . . . never one to be made lightly.

It's not easy, but when the big L hits again, resist the urge to flee. Go against your impulses; turn and meet it. Allow it to wash over you. Allow yourself to wallow in self-pity. Choose the road less traveled: feel the full fury of loneliness. Never again can it terrorize as deeply. Guaranteed. When Paul McCartney lost his Linda, well-meaning friends said to get busy with his musical projects, that work would help him over the intense sorrow he was feeling. But instincts led him to sit with the sorrow and feel the awful pain of losing forever the friend and soul mate he had been with since childhood. He's now happily remarried, a few years later, and I don't doubt that fully experiencing his grief had much to do with his second chance at happiness.  Think about it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

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DEAR SUSAN: You offer to answer questions, so here goes: Some of my friends and I are newly single -- and we're trying to find the "secret door" to the world where singles meet and interact. Recently we discovered "Singles for Charity," which sounds as if it might be worthwhile. Can you recommend any others?

Do you know where we can find the "secret door"? -- Elayne H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ELAYNE: It's no secret; the key to a rich and interesting single life is Involvement . . . with a capital I. The simple (at times not-so-simple) act of leaving your home is almost certain to lead to new and often surprising directions.

It's an act of will, agreed, but on days you're feeling especially gutsy, remember the big I and walk out into the stream of living that goes on outside your windows. The beat goes on, and it always has room for one more involved person. And when that person (you, I hope) opts to follow an interest, well, all sorts of good things can happen. Compatible people will come into your life seamlessly, without forced smiling or phony chit-chat. ("Singles" events will suddenly seem absurd and demeaning. A step forward.)

And if an appealing eligible happens to be alongside, enjoying what you're enjoying, well, that's reason to smile. But in this case, not the only reason. Adding interests to your singleness is a way of getting away from all that "meeting" stuff that can squander so much time and energy and thought! Ironically, it's probably the best way to (dare I use the word?) meet a soulmate. Yes, Elayne, there is a secret door to the world where singles interact. It's your front door . . . the doorway to Interests and Involvement.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

FRIDAY, MAY 30, 2003

MINEFIELD

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 27 and seeing an old classmate. I enjoy her company, but I don't feel the emotions that might indicate serious romantic involvement. Still, I can't rule out the possibility that some feelings are there; I may be holding out because she has a 4-year-old. Even though I'm not ready to take on kids, I do worry about what he will think about a succession of guys in and out of his mother's life.

How do I walk through this minefield and decide if I want to be with this woman? -- Kirk G., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR KIRK: Dating a single mom is indeed full of pitfalls, but your sensitivity to the situation will help keep you on level ground. Before the relationship gets serious, best to let her know what's going on in your mind. Let it all spill out, the good and the bad, the brave and the hesitant. (No macho posturing, if you please. She'll only think more of you for sharing your fears and conflicts.) But be super-careful not to pre-empt conversation; she'll have plenty to say, and you need to hear it all. (You'd be amazed at the feelings this kind of talk can generate. My sense is that you'll feel closer to her and less unsure about adding a child to your life.) Tell her you need to talk, and set up a time and place where the two of you can be alone with no interruptions. Drop a hint or two about the nature of the talk -- don't let her think marriage proposal. Talk soon.

DEAR SUSAN: When I meet a new lady, I freeze. I'm nice to them and treat them with respect, but it always stops there. Most of the ones I meet are either in their early 20s or early 30s (I'm 32) and just want to be friends. The few who find me interesting are either married (I don't mess with them) or have boyfriends who treat them like dirt.

After 10 years married, I've been divorced nearly two. It's as if I lost the ability to start a relationship. Susan, can you help me? Am I shy and don't know it? -- Justin F., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR JUSTIN: Marriage deleted dating experience during your prime dating years, but it gave you lessons, so let's give thanks for that -- and move on.

Yes, you're plenty shy, but in my book that's a plus. Shy people usually have the most to contribute to a relationship, much more (by far) than the braggarts who infest the dating scene. (Seemingly self-confident, they are at heart unsure of themselves, and in my experience have much to be unsure about!)

Believe me, most of us are a bit shy, so don't worry about it. Far more constructive to find settings that make you more comfortable, where social pressure is minimal and people come together on common ground. One of those is interest groups, where people are already compatible because they share a passion. What it is you decide, but I can guarantee conversation will flow and shyness recede, because such settings encourage enthusiasm. And where there is strong interest shared, there is simply no reason for shyness. You'll be able to relax and be yourself. I rest my case.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

FRIDAY, MAY 9, 2003

DEAR SUSAN: After your pretty harsh reaction to Jill J., a single mother who wants sex and romance, I had to write and give the child's perspective on this one. My mom could have written Jill's letter, so I feel qualified to respond.

My brother and I grew up with a single, dating mother. When I was younger (preteen and earlier) I had no idea she was dating, because it happened when I was occasionally with Dad. But as I grew older and more aware of sex and relationships, she would bring home the boyfriends for us to meet.

I didn't resent her bringing them for overnight stays at the house because I knew we were always her No. 1 priority. I will admit that sometimes it was embarrassing to have them embrace around my friends and having to hear the occasional normal noises associated with sex in our small home, but it wasn't anything I didn't experience in the happily married families around me.

I'm glad my mom didn't act like her sex life was something to be ashamed of. I think she did a good job of balancing selflessness as a parent with the message that sex and relationships are a healthy component of one's life. She had the common sense and self-respect to end a relationship when it was time rather than keep someone around just for the sake of continuity, which was a good lesson for me to learn.

She NEVER brought home people who were a danger to us or to her, nor engaged in any behavior outside of norms: no mid-afternoon sex in the living room, no drug/alcohol use, no co-dependency, and so on. I'm now happily married and had a healthy dating life before, so I would hardly call myself scarred by her behavior. In fact, I feel lucky to have had such a good, close relationship with her -- and a firm grasp of dating reality.

If reader Jill is as honest with herself and her daughter as my mom was, I think you should give her kudos, not your negativity and judgment. -- Gayle K., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR GAYLE: Hey. You've got me wrong. When I suggest to Jill that she keep sex and parenting separate and apart, that's not a judgment call. I've lived the single-parent experience and know how it feels to meet the morning and the new set of choices it can bring. Without a partner as sounding board, each decision is an individual task, and you do the best you can. Sometimes instinct lends a hand in the decision-making process, but even when it does, there's plenty of doubt and indecision. My voice is a seasoned opinion to add to the mix, but it isn't necessarily the final word; only parents have earned that. Still, from all I know, keeping adult sexuality out of the home (not for reasons of shame, but for the mental health of children at home) is most often the best policy. Wish I had more space to make my case!

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

I admit it. As much as I champion single life, there's no denying it has rough spots. As if you haven't already lived through most of them, here's a list of the dirty dozen:

Loneliness (I-onlyness)

Aloneness Addiction (Hermitude)

Rigidity (Old-maidism)

Competitiveness & Jealousy ("The Greens")

The End of Love (Premarital divorce)

Bitterness (Why me?)

Commitment Phobia

Shyness (Sh-I-ness)

Rejection Dejection

Fortress thinking (Defensiveness)

Raised Eyebrows (Negative public opinion)

Generic Blues (Self-pity)

I hope that simply seeing these would-be tyrants in print can dilute their power and reduce much damage to your peace of mind. Those hokey names aren't poking fun or making light of the feelings that can take over a perfectly fine life by reducing you to a No. 1 drama queen. And what for? You're still master of your life -- or did you forget?

And that's what I want to talk about here. You are, you know, chairman of the board, in full control of your time and resources. (Who else but a single person can make that claim?) Forgetting that huge plus from time to time is perfectly natural; after all, you don't have a wedding ring, or a cozy nest for two, or a standing date for New Year's Eve. (Ho!) So what? Yes, they happen to be among the missing right now, but take a gander at the assets you DO have right now, this minute. (Freedom and mobility are the ones that come to mind, and -- admit it -- they're not exactly chopped liver!) But before this sounds like cheerleading, let's get on with it.

There is an answer to the dirty dozen demons listed above . . . and it doesn't take an exorcist to put them to rout. Quite simply, it is The As-If Life. (Take a deep breath, please, and a short pause before we continue.) What is it, you ask? It's a mindset, an attitude that looks into the future and sees more of the same. No, I'm not suggesting you'll always be unmarried, that you'll never meet Mr. or Ms. Wonderful and that you'll just slog through the days (and nights) alone, lonely, forlorn, totally and perpetually held at arm's length by society. (C'mon. You know me better than that.)

What I AM saying, however, is that by planning your life long-term, now, when you're single, you'll evict those demons in favor of more pleasant companions . . . your faith, your optimism, your belief in life and yourself.

Living As-If you will be single for a while can, at first blush, sound awful and impossibly downbeat, but it's actually just the opposite. As each day passes, you'll find that the future stretches out before you with nearly unlimited possibilities and far fewer worries than when you ran around to singles' events (and anywhere else you might find a date) filled with urgency, panic, uncertainty. Not a very attractive package, I'd say -- and not exactly fun to be with. Then picture yourself with a firm grip on your health insurance needs, your career moves, your togetherness with children and dear friends . . . all of them considered, planned for, part of a lifestyle that sets priorities and makes sure important ones are taken care of. Now. Beyond tying up important loose ends. Your way of being single is to keep your expectations moderate and realistic . . . always with a robust sense that life is good, small problems will work themselves out (with your input), and each day is a gift to be treasured and the time well-spent.

The china pattern you always wanted is on your dining table. Paper plates are for picnics is a model for the thinking behind the As-If Life. Why wait for a man to buy you the sofa so right in your home? Or the good flatware that adds so much to the flavor of the meals? Why not plan to go to that exotic island you've pinned your hopes on?

You've been secretly saving it for the honeymoon, but it's not more than a daydream at this point. In your old life, you'd put the dream on ice -- indefinitely. But in the As-If Life, you'll put yourself on fast-forward and huddle with a travel agent to make your hopes happen. And if you happen to meet a really eligible person (ahem) before getaway day, well, they'll just have to make do with postcards and missing you for a while. That'll only whet their appetite. Trust me.

Ironically, the very best way to boost your appeal rating in singleworld is to stop building your existence around a phantom who may or may not appear and move into active (proactive) mode. After all, the meeting game is based on throughput; the more people you come across, the higher your odds of meeting That One. Promise yourself (and me) to stop waiting for him, or her, the perfect day or the perfect wardrobe. Push yourself to get out into the thick of things and enjoy your life. Yes, it takes guts. But single life isn't for sissies.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

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DEAR SUSAN: I remember reading a letter from a widow who was admired from afar by a policeman who, years later, wooed and won her. My story is similar, and I'd like to give you the charming details of my wonderful relationship with an extraordinary man, but I want to focus on the issue of "nice guys" in relation to our relationship.

For 10 months we've been seeing each other exclusively; he's a nice guy with an average income who happens to be mature, sensitive, romantic and loving. But he's a nice guy who is who he is today because of what he went through. He was divorced twice before he realized he needed to know himself better, so he began years of introspection and studies on what it means to be a man and a good father, and what makes a loving and satisfying romantic relationship.

In other words, if I'd met him 15 years ago, based on what he told me, I probably would have thought he was a self-centered jerk. But because he wanted so badly to learn from his failed marriages, and ached to be in a sincere relationship built on mutual love and respect, eventually he found it.

In our relationship, we give each other lots of space to pursue hobbies and have outings with some of our own friends. I give him all the time he wants to go fishing, hunting, boating and visit friends. I have plenty of my own interests to keep me very busy. But we also have many things we love doing together -- traveling, cooking, hiking and home improvement projects. I'm convinced that this is the key to a successful relationship.

I feel incredibly fortunate that we found each other. -- One Satisfied Woman, Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR SATISFIED WOMAN: Lebanese poet and philosopher Khalil Gibran said the truth that you and your nice guy have found in each other (excerpted from "The Prophet"):

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love;
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls . . .
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same 
music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart, 
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

In the face of such wisdom, words fail.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

DEAR SUSAN: I believe many couples fail because they don't acknowledge that they do indeed complete each other and truly are responsible for the happiness of the other. If people were happy and complete without another, as you say, the human race would have ended with Adam and Eve.

The reader you responded to, who says he sent his love a CARD for Christmas and wasn't with her that important holiday, was surprised she'd rather be with him that day! Her problem isn't that she can't be happy on her own; it's that she's trying to find happiness with a self-centered man who doesn't care about her, and instead makes lame psychobabble excuses. Better to find a man who feels responsible for some portion of her completeness and happiness. (Then, she has some responsibility for him, too.)

Susan, I know women who are complete and happy by themselves, and they're self-absorbed princesses who are making nobody happy. Plus -- their happy completeness doesn't wear well in the long run, and by the time they figure that out, they're out of the running. (The same applies to men.) I think a couple is more than the sum of its parts; each person gives up some "me" to become "us."

Living parallel separate lives is the death of many couples, I'm sure. God Bless your work. -- Taylor G., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR TAYLOR: Agreed (readily). Parallel separate lives is not my idea of marriage, either. Far from it. But I do stick to my guns that no one can look to someone else to "complete" them and "make them happy." Just as each of us must heal our own anger before entering a relationship, making ourselves "happy" (not my favorite word) and "complete" falls to each person.

An individual who's discontent and sour may not reveal that side to a new lover, but pretty soon the negativity will take the fun out of their togetherness. It will be over, and the sour partner will go back to their misery; sharing will have only put it in the spotlight. No, we each have to take charge of our own baggage . . . that in no way implies separateness or lack of intimacy. Not at all.

The woman who marries a traveling salesman has to face life on her own and make a life of her own, so she can stand on her own two feet. No one wants to be the sole emotional support in a relationship. Dependency kills love, while Undependence (aka wholeness) creates a totally different scenario with its own excitement and longevity. Two individuals standing close but apart, neither in the other's shadow, with a sea of love and respect flowing between them -- that's what I have in mind. Thanks for the chance to give it words.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

DEAR SUSAN: Your sterling advice makes you like a mother to me. You've helped members of my family and friends, and so I'm asking you again what to do.

In 2001, you disapproved of my niece marrying a would-be actor, who took her to California to see if he could get an acting job. After nearly two years out there, he's getting nowhere fast. Now they have a baby under 1 year old, my niece stays home and handles the finances, and they are living hand-to-mouth. Recently we stopped sending gifts and money because we want her to come home.

She wants to come home and get back her teaching job. It pays well and would provide a pension later on. She feels like a prisoner and is barely surviving on what he brings in. Should she leave him and return with the baby to her home state and her teaching position? Or should she risk staying another year and possibly lose her job?

Can you analyze this marital problem? She's waiting for your answer. -- Marcia U., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR MARCY: The marital problem is her choice of mate. This man isn't fit to be a husband -- he doesn't know the meaning of the word. (The dictionary defines the verb "to husband" as "make fertile, to nurture.") But the new baby is a blessing in many ways. Its demands are pointing your niece in positive directions: toward a respected career, making the home life stable and secure, in short, maturity. It may have seemed fun to run away with a dashing "actor" to La-La Land, but real life is catching up with her, life lessons not taught in the classroom. Come home.

WOMEN: We women are the feeders of the race. We nurture men with our faith and support. We encourage friends with counsel and good cheer. We give children love and guidance along with their fruits and vegetables. We nourish souls, big and little, by creating a calm and optimistic environment around them. But when it comes to giving OURSELVES a complete and happy life, well, let's just say we need practice.

It's a new concept, feeding ourselves. It requires training. But because we are already caregivers, new skills aren't needed; it's just a matter of using the old ones in a new way. For starters, it means thinking of ourselves as WORTHY of care, as deserving.

We seem to suffer from an unfortunate misunderstanding. So used are we to feeding others, we believe someone (a man, our children, friends) will in turn feed us. Well, maybe they will, but we can't assume they will know what we need -- or when we need it. Better to think of their love as the finishing touch, the gravy. And better to realize that we are the ones responsible for the meat and potatoes (or tofu and vegetables, if that's more your style). So you have to know what you want -- which means getting to know your own tastes -- and then you must go for it. There's no doubt in this columnist's mind that you will. All you need is practice. (Believe me, I'm still in practice mode.)

Now that you are a believer in self-feeding (if you weren't you probably wouldn't have read this far), you need to determine the diet right for you. Like actual food, emotional sustenance has certain minimum daily requirements: respect, love and trust. And like real foods, emotional needs are given color and zest by life's seasonings . . . humor and adventure. All of these are necessary to full emotional health; you need the whole package for complete nourishment. But the amounts vary, so finding your personal balance is what elevates self-feeding to an art.

Shall we continue, soon?

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

DEAR SUSAN: I read your column about dating as a single parent. In it you said you firmly believe that bringing your lover home is not good, and that sexual relationships should take place outside of your house, not where children can experience that aspect of your relationship.

I have to disagree.

I know when it can go wrong, as it did with my current boyfriend's ex who immediately brought her new boyfriend into her bed after Dad moved out. Uncool. And then she proceeded to give this new fellow parental power. Also uncool. As she moved from new guy to new guy, they all took up some form of residence in her house, and the kids got knocked off the priority list. This left Dad (my boyfriend) totally convinced that kids and lovers don't mix, and therefore, I cannot spend the night at his house when his children are there. That leaves very little time to relate. And besides, his kids don't know who I am and how the two of us get along after a year of dating.

I've been a single parent for 18 years, since my daughter's father decided at age 36 he wasn't ready to be a parent and left when I got pregnant. I was also 36, and not ready for a life without love and sex. It took some time for me to be ready to date again, but when I was, I decided that my life and my needs are just as valid as any married woman's.

Parents relate on all levels in front of their children. They are affectionate, they fight, and when they make love, their bedroom isn't far from the kids' hearing. So I decided my daughter has to like the man I'm dating; she meets each one who enters my life. I've never asked any of them to live with us, but each one who made it past my gauntlet has spent time in my bed -- with her down the hall. We've both made adjustments so Mom can have a life.

Now, at 17, my kid has experienced the real life of a woman. And she knows that needs are as real as wants. She understands the phases of love. And I stick by my conviction that life in full view has value. As long as it's done with respect and consideration, and as long as kids know they are top priority and what they think and feel counts. -- Jill J., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR JILL: Yes, children should be exposed to real life. Ivory tower childhoods end up badly, that's for sure. Whenever possible, they should be drawn into the lives of their parents, to get a taste of reality and to watch their role models manage that reality. Up to that point, I agree with your theory of Life in Full View, so important in the home of a parent who's going it alone. But watching (and hearing ) Mom share her bed with a parade of strangers is the No. 1 taboo of single-parenting.

Do you really believe a 17-year-old should witness the turnover of men in her mother's bedroom? (It blows my mind to read your words.) Life in full view is a fine motto for a realist. But sexual activity should be -- no, MUST be -- the exception. And no amount of pretty rationalizing can explain it away. You've made your bed, but I hope other single parents will use better judgment. I'm shocked and saddened.

SINGLE PARENT DATA: The 2000 Census reports that single parents maintain 27.3 percent of the family households with own children under the age of 18. There are 2.1 million father-child and 9.8 million mother-child family groups.

Note: It wasn't too long ago that fathers were counseled not to fight for custody in their divorce, when they had absolutely zero chance of winning a battle that would prove too costly, in dollars and in emotions. And now? Well, the latest figures tell the tale. It's about time fathers were allowed in the nursery and given a chance to influence the young people who carry half their genes. Agree?

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

DEAR SUSAN: Years ago, I contracted herpes from a man I wound up marrying, so it was never really a problem. Now that I'm divorced, though, I'm faced with this issue.

What is the right time to inform a dating partner about this? Is it better at the outset, before any romantic involvement, or after we've gotten involved and sex is inevitable? And should I run a personal ad saying I have herpes, and in that way avoid almost certain rejection from someone who doesn't have it? -- Tara V., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR TARA: Come in close and read my lips: you've contracted a sexually transmitted virus . . . not the black plague. You are the same woman you were before it entered your world -- hopefully a bit wiser about life and love, in every other way not one iota less of a person. But you do have a choice to make now, as you begin dating: will you make this nasty virus your identity, the biggest part of who you are, or will you relegate it to an incidental fact of (your) life?

This is the right time for you to consult with the physician currently treating you. You need straight talk, medical facts to help you make the disclosure credibly and without shame . . . when the time comes. It's not for first dates, that's for sure, not for casual chit-chat with an almost-stranger. No, the man on the other end of your announcement will be a special person in your life, someone you trust and respect. He'll listen carefully, and probably hold your hand while you're speaking. That's the emotional support that will make the relationship even deeper afterward.

For now, before you meet that special partner, gather as much information about Herpes from all possible sources. The first step is to phone the Herpes Hotline (1-800-230-6039) for information and a list of support groups near you. (You might want to talk again with your physician about what you've learned from this phone call.)

As for socializing, well, let's begin with a personal ad that comes with zero risk of rejection; it's the largest herpes dating site on the Web:  www.antopia.com/herpes. And later on, when you know your way around the dating game and feel savvy about judging people, you can take a stab at the personals section of a newspaper you read.

One last step: Send a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope for my three-page list of Herpes Resources. It's free.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

DEAR SUSAN: My boyfriend is always saying (absent-mindedly) "my wife" and "my kids" when he's speaking about his past. Does this mean he's psychologically still "married" to his ex, or is this just a slip of the tongue -- as he says it is?

He's been divorced over four years, but it was unwanted and a very bitter fight that still hurts him because of the children. The problem is, I don't know whether I should take his "slips of the tongue" seriously. What do you think? -- Mollie M., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MOLLIE: If you believe -- as I do -- that there are no accidents, your boyfriend's "slips" shouldn't be glossed over or ignored. They show a strong reluctance to give up the past, and that could spell trouble for his current love . . . you. But if you put yourself into "active" mode and call his attention to slips as they occur -- gently and with understanding -- odds are good that the two of you can deal with the problem. Teamwork can undo what he alone hasn't dealt with, and at the same time bring you two closer than ever. Handled with good humor, his past will recede into the shadows (where it belongs) and make room for the positive experiences of today's love.

One caveat: Don't tamper with memories of his children. They are a link to his past that deserve to be honored, so encourage him to talk freely about them and find ways to possibly include them in his life today. He will deeply appreciate your efforts in a very important part of his life. And who knows? That support may convince him (on a deep level) that the present holds enough for him to sever ties with a bitter past.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

COPYRIGHT 2002 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.  

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 45, divorced and the mother of two teen-age daughters. I've been married twice and am a bit hesitant about a third time. There are a couple of divorced men I know who I could be interested in, but I'm too shy to do anything about it, and I'm not sure they're interested in me. What do you suggest I do? -- Rema H., Indianapolis, Ind.

DEAR REMA: Go with the sudden "shyness" that's grown out of your life experience. It's signalling a slowdown, and you would be wise to listen. There are two young women in your nest, watching your every move and affected by each one.

This is a critical stage in their lives, years when men and romance are becoming important, and they need to see a parent who respects herself enough to put men and dating far below her top priority -- a close and happy family. Men? They'll always be around, for better or for worse. But your budding adolescents will soon be leaving the nest, outward bound on a path to their own adulthood. Make this time count: ask them their feelings about a weekly hen party with their mom, some uninterrupted time for them to say whatever's on their minds. Take them on outings with you, to places they choose. In other words, make this family time. All that other stuff will wait. I dare you.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o DivorceInteractive.com, 94 Second Street, Mineola, N.Y. 11501. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope.